Shockazulu and Daisy
a short play for radio by Charles Berman and Sarah Gager
Shockazulu: We need to get these people back to their planet.
Shockazulu: They’re dangerous here.
Daisy: What’s dangerous about them?
S: Well, pride.
Daisy: I’m sick of your goddamn theological arguments in interstellar matters, Shockazulu.
Shockazulu: It’s plain, these people will stop at nothing to be the most admired people on the planet. And I’m worried they might have the talent with which to do it.
Daisy: What talent could they have? They’re glorified apes.
Shocky: So are we. And only debatably glorified.
Daily. OK. The point remains. What could they possibly be talented at?
Shockazulu: Dancing. Singing. Acting. Writing, Painting.
Daisy: The arts? I still don’t understand how that is a threat to us?
Shocky: Well, I wasn’t finished listing. Um. Cooking, composing, chess, physics, legislating, linguistics....
Daisy: So... everything?
Shocky: They have weak knees.
Daisy: OK. Isn’t this, um, mainly good?
Shocky: Good? Can you imagine how embarrassing this will be for the human race?
Daisy: I’d never heard of the human race being embarrassed before.
Shocky: Certain unabashed individuals did not arrive here after the mass exodus of earth. Ke$ha is no longer with us.
Daisy: So are you saying that we need to deport the aliens because they will make us feel inferior?
(Knock knock knock).
Daisy: Come in.
Daisy: Oh, hey Extraterrestro.
Shocky: Uh... who is this?
Daisy: Shocky, this is my alien friend Extraterrestro.
Extraterrestro: Pleased to meet you, And please -- you can just call me your friend. I don’t need to be defined by being called alien.
Daisy: Sorry, Extraterrestro. You aliens are so much better than we are at race relations.
Daisy: Aren’t you going to say hi?
Shocky: I don’t know how to.
Extra: We say hi just like normal people.
Daisy: You mean you are normal people.
Extra: We are extra. Like you but better.
Shocky: Go to hell.
Extra: Oh. Is Hell the planet you mean to send us to?
Daisy: Extraterrestro, hell is a theological concept we have on our planet.
Extra: Yes, I’m aware, Daisy. I was revealing to Shockazulu in a witty way that I know what he’s up to.
Shocky: How do you know my name?
Extra: From your hate speech rally.
Shocky: You are just too good. I can’t have that on my planet.
Extra: Do good people go to hell?
Shocky: Probably. Look, it’s not hate speech. It’s more… heavily resentful speech.
Extra: Daisy, why do you hang out with this guy?
Daisy: I just work with him.
Extra: So you, like… do his bidding?
Shocky: I thought we were going to see a movie this weekend?
Daisy: I don’t work with him on like speech writing. We are both baristas at Queequeg’s.
Shocky: Yeah… we are still on, right?
Daisy: I’m not all that turned on by race hate.
Shocky: Oh, yeah. I understand. You’re embarrassed now because we’re around your alien friend.
Daisy: Yeah. I didn’t know you were so racist until this exact moment when I introduced you to my alien friend! I am VERY PROUD of my alien friend.
Shocky: But I was just telling you all about my plan to get rid of them all. So they’d stop showing us up.
Daisy: Yeah, but you just started talking. On your own. I wasn’t listening to that purposely.
Extra: You mean purposefully.
Extra: Purpose is a noun. Purposeful is an adjective. So the adverb is purposefully.
Daisy: Da fuck? (Beat)
Extra: It’s better grammar.
Daisy: You always think you’re right, don’t you?
Extra: Well, if I thought I was wrong I would change my mind.
Shocky: He is better.
Extra: Well, yeah.
Daisy: It’s difficult to say which one of you I hate less.
Shocky: No, it isn’t. Come on. Don’t lie to yourself.
Extra: Jeez. Sorry. If you want to be ungrammatical it’s fine. I’m not really going to let it bother me. I’m not that petty.
Daisy: Oh, and I am, right?
Daisy: I’m always being pettier than you, isn’t that right? And that’s supposed be OK? I’m just supposed to let that go? Really?
Extra: Well, that’s what I would do. But I wouldn’t expect you to. It’s OK if you don’t.
Daisy: Screw you!
Extra: Also, swearing? I mean, such a vocabulary exists that you can express yourself without it.
Daisy: You know what? You’re not actually perfect because you don’t have any social skills at all.
Extra: When did I say I was perfect? I’m too modest.
Shocky: You think that’s good enough reason to let them stay?
Daisy: Why do you keep trying to make me commit on that?
Shocky: I just want to go to a movie!
Daisy: No movie! No deportation! NO HATE, SHOCKY!
Shocky: Okay. No hate. This makes me the bigger person, right?
Daisy: Goddamnit. YOU’RE going to be less petty than me too?
Extra: I think I’ve been too hard on you. In a way, I have been the most petty of us all.
Shocky: So race hate is wrong.
Extra: Yes it is. I think that is the lesson that we have all learned. And we should also learn that it is wrong to be an asshole to others by showing off. That is why I have been careful not to show off my alien superiority to you today. I now return to my planet of my own volition. This makes me the better man Good evening.
Shocky: You like popcorn? Or candy? Ya know, when you go to the movies?